I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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