dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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