college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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