I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
