if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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