so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
