I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
