Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
