I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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