I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
