my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
