dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
