I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
