I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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