so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
