My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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