She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
