Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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