checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
