She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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