You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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