I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
