Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
