his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You were trust falling into bushes
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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