My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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