This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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