Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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