life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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