My room smells like vodka and shame
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
