we're chasing vodka with high fives
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
