Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
