why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
