The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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