I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
