I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
