We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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