Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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