You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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