Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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