so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
