I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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