i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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