I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
