the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
