Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
