i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
