Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so let's talk penis.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
