I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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