Banned from zoo.
Again?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
