I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
