Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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